Why Don’t I Get to Have Love?

The real reason we don’t get the relationship or love we crave. 

The number one reason why we don’t create the relationship we’ve always wanted or the life we’ve always wanted, is because we don’t actually know what we want. We might think we know, but our desires were probably filtered through someone else’s – whether that’s a parent, sibling, friend, partner, or even societal expectations of what we“should” want. 

Maybe we spent our childhood oscillating around the needs of an alcoholic parent, a narcissistic caretaker, or an angry guardian, and became reactive instead of proactive. Maybe we had a sibling who took up a lot of space. Maybe a family member was chronically ill, and life revolved around their needs. Whatever the situation, it became about other people’s wants and needs. Our needs were neglected, ignored, or became secondary. 

When someone asks you, “What do you need? What do you want?” are you able to tell them? Or do you shrug and say, “I don’t know”? 

If you don’t get clear on what you need and want, you’ll keep bumping into circumstances and situations and just accept them, thinking they’re okay. You won’t set a standard, or establish values, or know what to build your life around. You’ll just take whatever comes because you’re used to just taking whatever gets thrown your way, without actually prioritizing yourself. 

At a certain point, most of us get fed up with not having the love or relationship we want, and get sick of living a life that we don’t want. The silver lining is that once we figure out what we don’t want, usually the opposite is something we really want. And to get there, we often have to sit in the space between our old choices and our new ones, our old life and our new life. We need to make different choices if we want a different outcome, a different life.

I started Rediscover Your Wholeness to help people prioritize themselves. It’s all about getting selfish for a month, learning and practicing what it means to unconditionally love yourself, and becoming unapologetically you. Our culture pegs “selfishness” as a bad thing, but you gotta do you first – you gotta show up for you, to trust yourself, to love yourself, to figure out what it is you really want before you can invite it into your life. No one else is going to do that work for you.