They Were Emotionally Unavailable But Now They’re Committed (With Someone Else)

Was I not enough for them?

Here’s a pattern you see a lot in breakups: You’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable. You call it off, or they leave, and they immediately meet someone new and step up to being fully available for them… 

Which leaves you asking yourself: Why? Why are they suddenly choosing another person in all the ways they should have chosen me?

Man, it’s easy to drive yourself crazy with that one. Your mind wants to start filling in the blank with false stories like, “Well, I must not be good enough to love.” Instead, let’s fill it in with the truth, shall we?

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So, what’s the real reason why they would suddenly be emotionally available for someone else but not for you? 

Some people might say, “Well, the person wasn’t really unavailable. They just didn’t want you…”

And I don’t agree with that. Yes, they were unavailable to you. But it wasn’t because you weren’t worthy. The real reason is—and I’m going to get a bit esoteric here…

The real reason is because you needed to learn a lesson. You needed to learn that you have a tendency to settle for less in order to stay in relationships. You needed to learn that you stay with unavailable people and put your worth in waiting to be chosen.

There are various forms of “settling.” My version was engaging with people who were emotionally unavailable and waiting for them to become available. Meanwhile, I wasn’t seeing the bigger picture: If I’m attracted to unavailable people, that means I’m emotionally unavailable too, on some level…

So, while I thought I wanted commitment, I actually had a fear of depth and intimacy, which was mirrored in the partners I chose. I chose people who couldn’t choose me, which kept putting me in this position of chasing and waiting for them to change.

But do you ever notice that waiting around for someone to change never changes them? It’s a dead-end strategy. All you can do is invite people to change. You can express what you value and what you’re committed to for the relationship, and then live that. 

Maybe your partner will be inspired and work to co-create the same thing. Or maybe they just can’t meet you there, which means you need to protect and honour yourself by moving on.

And when someone can’t choose you, you certainly might feel unworthy. You may want to blame them, thinking, “I must not be enough because they’re not choosing me.” But you only feel unworthy because you are not choosing yourself. You feel unworthy because you left your values and integrity to stay in a relationship, and outsourced your worth to another person.

So, when you finally lose that relationship, you’re gifted with an invitation. You’re invited to have the most important conversation of your life: “Am I enough for myself? Can I choose myself? Can I step into the power of myself? Can I be the source of my own worth?”

Which brings us to part two of this lesson: when you choose yourself—when your worth becomes intrinsic—you gain the wisdom to clearly explain this whole situation…

If someone isn’t available to you, then they’re not for you.

End of story.