Breakup Sex or Makeup Sex?

You broke up, but they still reach out every few weeks for a hookup. What gives?

You and your ex broke up, but they reach out every few weeks and the two of you hang out and hookup. Is it breakup sex or makeup sex? The short answer is: neither. 

Why would someone reach out or reappear every so often for a hookup but not want a commitment? Because you let them. You set the bar low for someone and showed them you’re willing to take any form of connection, instead of holding out for the kind of connection you really, truly want and need. 

We as a general populous do this a lot. We think to ourselves, “Sure, I’ll just take the scraps you’re giving me. I’m not going to cut you off because this is better than being alone, and I’m also not going to ask for too much because if I ask for what I want, you might leave.” 

Either way, what you get is a relationship where the other person has one foot in the door and one foot out. They get their needs met, but you don’t get your needs met. 

My heart goes out to anyone who’s in this situation or believes this is all they can have. Not true! Getting out of a half-hearted “relationship” pattern like this requires challenging that belief, and raising your level of self-worth so that you truly believe you’re worthy of more. And in believing you’re worthy of more, you start to make decisions and take actions to reflect that high worth. 

Tell them you’re not going to tolerate it anymore. Tell them, “I’m not your booty call, your hotel hookup, or someone you can hang out with every few weeks and get your needs met. If you want to be with me, you have to show up.” Tell them what showing up looks like. Have an honest conversation about what you want and need in a relationship, and the expectations you have for commitment. And if they’re unable to meet you there, you might take further actions, like not answering their calls or texts, blocking their number, and unfollowing or blocking them on social media. 

When someone has been getting so much by giving so little, it’s unlikely they’ll be able or willing to fully show up and give you what you need. They’ve been testing the waters to see what little you’ll accept, and to see if they can get away with not meeting your standards or expectations.

It’s easy to get angry at someone else for taking advantage of you, but as they say, it takes two to tango, pal! We play a role in this pattern. When we don’t set boundaries, have the hard conversations, or vocalize our needs, then we’re also responsible for not getting our needs met. And instead of blaming or shaming yourself, see that as a gift. You’re the one who gets to change the story here. You’re the one who can step out of the pattern. Take responsibility for the life you want to live and say, “no more.”