Why Won’t They Just End It?

They slowly stopped replying and started being flakey, but why won’t they end it? 

Mixed signals can be super confusing. You found someone you enjoy getting to know who seems just as into you, eager to make plans and hang out. But then their responses start slowing down. Like, way down. They still make plans, but flake 90% of the time. They’ve suddenly gone from hot to ice cold. Sometimes there’s a reason, like family commitments or a busy work schedule, but something still feels off. 

One person wrote in and asked, “Why won’t they just end it? Why are they still here at all?” 

If you’ve been following Create the Love for a while you might already know what I’m going to ask in return, which is: Why are you still there? 

They’re flakey, they’ve gone cold, and their behavior clearly doesn’t meet your standards, yet you’re waiting for them to end it, and you’re sitting around wondering why they haven’t yet. 

Why are they not ending it? Why are you not ending it?! 

Why are they not having the conversation? Why are you not having the conversation?! 

Why don’t they bring it up? Why don’t you bring it up?! 

I say this with all the love and compassion in the world, because such passive behavior usually means someone either told you or taught you that you didn’t have the power to choose. You’re waiting for someone to change to meet your standards, or to end it. Take your power back. Take responsibility for your life. Stop waiting for someone else to choose for you. 

This happens not just in new relationships, but in long-term ones too. There are certain conversations we’re afraid to have, so we put it off, hoping the other person will bring it up first. In this instance, they’re giving you just enough energy and attention to keep you interested, but they’re not fully showing up for you. Flakiness is often excused, but it’s just as shitty as ghosting. ‘Flakey’ is just continued, inconsistent ghosting. It’s basically like being ghosted again and again by the same person, and then letting them back into your life so they can do it again. 

By making allowances for or excusing that behavior, you’re communicating that it’s perfectly acceptable for them to treat you that way. You’re basically saying you love inconsistency and your favorite thing is someone who doesn’t keep their word. 

If someone’s behavior is upsetting to you, or they’re not meeting the standard you set for yourself or your partner, then why are you sticking around? What is it you’re waiting for? 

In my Dating 101 course we talk about the markers of low accountability behavior, how to be in your worth, know your values, and develop tools of awareness. At the end of it, you’re not willing to tolerate flakey folks for even a second. 

Some people are afraid that if they end it with Mr. or Ms. Flake that they’ll miss out on love altogether, but when you’re in a relationship with someone who is flakey you’re not getting the love you want anyway. By staying, you’re stuck in old patterns and old choices, all the while complaining that what you really want isn’t available to you. 

But here’s the thing: you’re not available for what you want. By staying with an unavailable partner who can’t show up for you, you’re unavailable to someone who can show up for you. You’re not a match to the thing you say you really want. 

As soon as you change your behavior and make a different choice, you’re now in a changed circumstance. You’re available. You’re a match for someone who can meet your same standards. 

If you don’t stand up for what you want and raise the bar, you’ll keep meeting people whose behavior doesn’t meet your standards. It’s not enough to complain about people not meeting those standards. You have to actively live into them, to let your day-to-day choices show people that you’re not messing around. How you spend your time and who you choose to spend it with can speak volumes about where the bar is. 

If someone were to ask you what you wanted, you’d probably say, “someone who’s available, respectful, kind, and keeps their word.” But if someone were to take an inventory of your life, would the choices you’ve made align with what you say you want? 

The thing is, no one is coming to take this inventory for you. No one is going to end an unsatisfying relationship for you. It’s time to take your power back and start standing up for yourself.